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miko2There is really something wrong with me, when I can listen to dozens of reports on all the death and suffering at a disco in Bali, and the thing that strikes me the most, the thing that I really get out of all of these stories, is that Megawati Sakarnoputri is an amazingly fun name to say out loud.
Say it with me: Megawati.
I'd heard her name before, of course, but it only struck me this week that hers is my favorite weird name to say. It's even better than Boutrous Boutrous-Ghali, and that's saying something.
But I digress. Or actually, I don't. In order to digress, you must first have a point to digress from. And what was my point? Foreign names are just plain weird.
I mean, think about it. You can't even pronounce a lot of them, can you? What's with those foreigners? Why can't they have normal, Patriotic American names like George Bush, or Elvis Presley, or Madonna, or Bunny Wailer, or Englebert Humperdink?
Now that I think about it, I bet Englebert Humperdink is a foreigner too.
But the point is, American names aren't nearly as silly as foreigner names. And when I say "American", I mean it in the sense of people who originally came from someplace else, like Europe, or Africa. Because, let's face it, Tonawanda is a weird name, and what parent names their child Sitting Bull? No, it's clear that Native Americans aren't "American" in the sense of "they have normal names", with the occasional exception such as Chief Joseph. Clearly, Chief Joseph was a real American.
And don't even get me started on Chief Nokahoma. His name is so silly, you'd think someone made it up, and that he wasn't even a real Native American.
But speaking of goofy sports names, it occurs to me that the declared enemies of our great nation have done us yet another disservice, because while they may be foreigners, Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden aren't, when you come right down to it, silly names. I mean, sure, they're kind of weird, but not laugh-out-loud funny weird. And that's a shame, because it would be so much easier to make fun of them if one of them was named something like Megawati. Putting their face on toilet paper just doesn't do enough for me.
So what I think we should do is this: President Bush should ask congress and the United Nations and all of our allies to pass resolutions declaring that everyone in the free world (or at least, anyone who isn't a member of the axis of evil) will, from this point forward, refer to the head honcho in Iraq as "Saddamalammaboombang". And then we threaten to attack any nation or person who doesn't comply with these demands. Because, damn it, we're America, and we've got the biggest army in the world, so if we want to rename the head of some insignifigant foreign state, then we damn well are going to do it. We can do whatever we want!
And it will work. Trust me. Just think of all the really stupid sports nicknames that never go away. (I DID say we were speaking of goofy sports names, didn't I?) One day, you're eating a healthy breakfast, and your teammates start making fun of you, and the next thing you're known throughout the clubhouse as "The All-Bran Muffin Man", and then the media picks up on it, and every time you hit a home run or score a touchdown, the announcer is screaming "The All-Bran Muffin Man does it again!", and it gets repeated across ESPN and sport radio and television shows everywhere, and every child has a poster in their room of you with that stupid nickname scrawled across it, and even people in places like Bora Bora know all about "That American Bran Muffin Person", and when you die at age 47 from complications resulting from steroid and drug abuse, your obituary declares that you were known far and wide as the one and only All-Bran Muffin Man, and nobody will ever realize how much you absolutely DETESTED that name. I mean, how often have we seen THAT scenario?
When you think about it, is making millions of dollars a year worth all of the embarassment and mental anguish of being tagged with a goofy nickname? I think not.
So as you can see, tagging Saddam Hussein with a goofy nickname that never goes away is what we really need to do. It will give all Americans a warm, fuzzy feeling inside, don't you think? Because, really, isn't humiliating your enemy much more satisfying than merely blowing him up? I mean, sure, that initial rush from bombing him to hell and back probably feels great, but then you have to deal with all of the messy consequences, and meanwhile your enemy is no longer around to blame or make fun of. And, let's be honest, if everyone called him "Saddamalammaboombang", it really reduces the percieved threat that he might pose, doesn't it? How can you be afraid of a man with such a goofy name?
And if that doesn't work, we can use our L33T technological superiority to manufacture pictures of Saddam in a pink tutu, and drop millions of copies all over the Middle East.
If that doesn't enrage him I don't now what will. And as far as I can see, what we REALLY want in life these days is to make Saddam so mad that he makes a really stupid move, and the collective world says, "Okay, you can bomb him now." So damn the inspectors, I say, and start hitting Saddam where it REALLY hurts: right in the middle of his macho pride. And while we're at it, we can come up with a goofy name for Osama and see if it doesn't drive him out of hiding, so we can taunt him a second time.
Or just blow him up. Whatever works.
Say it with me: Megawati.
I'd heard her name before, of course, but it only struck me this week that hers is my favorite weird name to say. It's even better than Boutrous Boutrous-Ghali, and that's saying something.
But I digress. Or actually, I don't. In order to digress, you must first have a point to digress from. And what was my point? Foreign names are just plain weird.
I mean, think about it. You can't even pronounce a lot of them, can you? What's with those foreigners? Why can't they have normal, Patriotic American names like George Bush, or Elvis Presley, or Madonna, or Bunny Wailer, or Englebert Humperdink?
Now that I think about it, I bet Englebert Humperdink is a foreigner too.
But the point is, American names aren't nearly as silly as foreigner names. And when I say "American", I mean it in the sense of people who originally came from someplace else, like Europe, or Africa. Because, let's face it, Tonawanda is a weird name, and what parent names their child Sitting Bull? No, it's clear that Native Americans aren't "American" in the sense of "they have normal names", with the occasional exception such as Chief Joseph. Clearly, Chief Joseph was a real American.
And don't even get me started on Chief Nokahoma. His name is so silly, you'd think someone made it up, and that he wasn't even a real Native American.
But speaking of goofy sports names, it occurs to me that the declared enemies of our great nation have done us yet another disservice, because while they may be foreigners, Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden aren't, when you come right down to it, silly names. I mean, sure, they're kind of weird, but not laugh-out-loud funny weird. And that's a shame, because it would be so much easier to make fun of them if one of them was named something like Megawati. Putting their face on toilet paper just doesn't do enough for me.
So what I think we should do is this: President Bush should ask congress and the United Nations and all of our allies to pass resolutions declaring that everyone in the free world (or at least, anyone who isn't a member of the axis of evil) will, from this point forward, refer to the head honcho in Iraq as "Saddamalammaboombang". And then we threaten to attack any nation or person who doesn't comply with these demands. Because, damn it, we're America, and we've got the biggest army in the world, so if we want to rename the head of some insignifigant foreign state, then we damn well are going to do it. We can do whatever we want!
And it will work. Trust me. Just think of all the really stupid sports nicknames that never go away. (I DID say we were speaking of goofy sports names, didn't I?) One day, you're eating a healthy breakfast, and your teammates start making fun of you, and the next thing you're known throughout the clubhouse as "The All-Bran Muffin Man", and then the media picks up on it, and every time you hit a home run or score a touchdown, the announcer is screaming "The All-Bran Muffin Man does it again!", and it gets repeated across ESPN and sport radio and television shows everywhere, and every child has a poster in their room of you with that stupid nickname scrawled across it, and even people in places like Bora Bora know all about "That American Bran Muffin Person", and when you die at age 47 from complications resulting from steroid and drug abuse, your obituary declares that you were known far and wide as the one and only All-Bran Muffin Man, and nobody will ever realize how much you absolutely DETESTED that name. I mean, how often have we seen THAT scenario?
When you think about it, is making millions of dollars a year worth all of the embarassment and mental anguish of being tagged with a goofy nickname? I think not.
So as you can see, tagging Saddam Hussein with a goofy nickname that never goes away is what we really need to do. It will give all Americans a warm, fuzzy feeling inside, don't you think? Because, really, isn't humiliating your enemy much more satisfying than merely blowing him up? I mean, sure, that initial rush from bombing him to hell and back probably feels great, but then you have to deal with all of the messy consequences, and meanwhile your enemy is no longer around to blame or make fun of. And, let's be honest, if everyone called him "Saddamalammaboombang", it really reduces the percieved threat that he might pose, doesn't it? How can you be afraid of a man with such a goofy name?
And if that doesn't work, we can use our L33T technological superiority to manufacture pictures of Saddam in a pink tutu, and drop millions of copies all over the Middle East.
If that doesn't enrage him I don't now what will. And as far as I can see, what we REALLY want in life these days is to make Saddam so mad that he makes a really stupid move, and the collective world says, "Okay, you can bomb him now." So damn the inspectors, I say, and start hitting Saddam where it REALLY hurts: right in the middle of his macho pride. And while we're at it, we can come up with a goofy name for Osama and see if it doesn't drive him out of hiding, so we can taunt him a second time.
Or just blow him up. Whatever works.
